When I was young, my mother used to say...probably about five times a day, I hope you have a child just like you, when you grow up. She was wishing all of her motherhood suffering on me because I was one of those kids that probably made her rethink the 9 months of pregnancy and hours of labor on a daily basis. If it could be broken, opened, damaged or destroyed, I did it. Some of the highlights on my childhood resume of destruction were: Eating the beak off my grandmother's wax Avon bird (didn't quite have that lemony taste I had imagined), squirting shaving cream all over our glass storm windows in our two story house after my parents had spent the entire weekend windexing them all and placing them on the house for winter...that was a bugger hanging out of the window onto the roof while trying to hold a shaving cream bottle in my hand, I put the truck in gear when my dad wasn't in it with me and ran it into the ditch...when I was probably 4, I took every single bottle out of the medicine cabinet one night and pour it all in the sink and then stood back hoping for an eruption the size of Mt. St. Helens to go off...unfortunately, it didn't! I write on my mom's brick fireplace with a ballpoint pen...brick is hard to write on! One time, I channeled Angie Dickinson in Policewoman and hopped over our loveseat with my funky fringe purse, pulled out my pair of handy needlenose pliers, I had no doubt stolen from my dad's tool box, and clipped the cord to the clock hanging on the wall. There were two things I didn't take into consideration before I pulled that one off...that it was plugged in, and my arm would receive a slight tingling and electrocution, and two that it would no longer tell time anymore...a sure sign I had been in the room! I poured the milk I didn't want to drink into my mom's house plants. I stole candy from the grocery store when I was about 5, my Grandpa was the County Sheriff, so I was promptly marched right back in and had to return what I hadn't already eaten. I think the crunching sound in the car gave me away on that one. I tried to eat an entire bottle of children's vitamins....those really do make for some healthy yet tastey candy! You know, there really are so many more that I can't even list...but my mom could.
Well, ladies, it happened! I had a just kid like me. Her name is Blythe! Now, I can report that my ficus tree that is actually fake looks DEAD because she tore all of the leaves off of it. My dining room chandelier hangs 3 inches lower than it used to because she tried swinging from it. My floral arrangements no longer have cute little berries on them because she picked them all off! Some of my Christmas balls no longer have necks because she bit them off...yes, they were glass...She wrote all over my LEATHER chair with a pink highlighter. One day I found her in my car in the garage with it turned on! I won't even go into the "diaper wall art" she attempted when she was still in her crib. She cut her curtains with scissors. And other things that I am just too old and worn out to list.
However, the ironic part comes here. She has also broken my mom's computer, screwed up her answering machine, probably done some things she still hasn't even discovered yet and recently lost one of her rings. She's given my mom ten places to look where it might be. My runs and looks and then calls back to say it's not there either. And when my mom complains, I just think....Hmmm, looks like you accidentally wished your daughter on yourself! :)
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